My last search on Google: “To behead yourself with a knife”.

Crying with anxiety. I hate my life. I hate feeling so useless and unable to be loved.

The thoughts of hating myself so much that I want to cut my own throat while looking into the mirror just to see the life run out of me is there again. It´s more of a vision than reality, still will not do it. That.

But I am not okay and I don’t know what to do.


There are times when you hope to God that the police will not come…

Like when you need to try to cut your dose of Elvanse in half, and you realize it is a fine milled powder and not the usual little corns. So you pour it out and with a razor blade you start dividing it.. Man, it would not look good if the police for some reason were to come here! ;D

Kinda had to laugh about it, the whole situation really.  I thought it went quite well, but maybe not after yesterdays talk with my excellent psychologist. I got so stressed afterwards that I have almost forgotten everything we said, I just know that I´m not reacting as I should – it is not energy, more like mania. I get it, but it felt like energy.. On the other hand, I bursted into tears in the middle of it. Stuff like that. Oh well, it will get better, I hope.


I have a black hole in my apartment.

I live in a shoebox, basically.
Its a very pretty and clean shoebox, but it has a black hole!

Last summer I bought a small bottle of plant nutrition. I had it in plain sight for a few months, and then – vanished. I looked everywhere were it could be, which in a shoebox is not to many places.
“Must have thrown it out by mistake…”

So I bought new plant nutrition in February.

One day after using the new one, I find the bottle…
In the closet, wayyyy in the back.


Not my picture, owns it!

Me that day, for a very long time.

A week ago I want my very simple tank top. I had it a few days earlier and know that I just left it on the sofa, “for now…”
(Keeping a neat closet and never leave my clothes out is really not my thing….)

Now that is gone! Looked everywhere, even under the sofa.

I guess the black hole was done with the bottle and now wanted a soft thing to cuddle with.

Will check the boot again.
(If it´s there I will call my psychologist and he will have to get me to the psychiatric ward…)

Easter alone.

To me easter is not a big holiday, I don´t feel the need to celebrate that Jesus died and rose for some reason.. I´m not a practicing christian or anything like that. No, I´m a Buddhist if anything, a religion that suits me well. I belive in karma,  if you put out good you will get good. I haven´t always been a good person, creating drama just to be seen and heard. I also did a really bad thing in the love department, and the karma that hit me after that… wow.

Anyway, I´m alone and it´s just no fun when you know that all the people you know are together with their family or friends. No one has the time to talk or text and so on.

It´s lovely weather outside, but I don´t feel like going for a walk, not when I´m this state of mind. I get more sad if I met even one pair of people. “They have each other…” and I feel worse. This is why I don´t want to take walks in town in the summer alone – all the people having ice cream together etc. I just panic and want to throw myself in the sea for being such a failure. *sighs* I cry every December because of Christmas, all the people being so happy and doing holiday stuff like decorating their homes. My mother never was much for christmas as I grew up, and not now either. We don´t put up a tree, just some lights. We eat some food and hang out. I´m not saying it is bad, I have formed around it and Im happy to have her! I think it´s the big family I miss, the picture perfect one with early christmas breakfast, playing games, big lunch and so on. Never had that and I’m quite sure that after my mother leaves this earth, I will have nothing… Don´t know if my anxiety every december is related to the future, even if I don’t think about it in the moment.

I really need to met new people. My plan was to every month buy a bus card so that I can get around without problems. One of the ideas was to go to a group that are like me, Adult Children. They tend to be very loving, caring people with open hearts. And, they are like me, they get me.

But that hasn´t happened. I get SO little money and that stresses me out – I need food! Also most of the time I don´t want to go out, and also – new people scare me. See my problem here? I´m really stuck in a moment and I´m peddling water.

Anyway – happy easter.


Oh so tired, and some other ramblings about gangsters, webdesign and Photoshop.

That energy from the weekend has taken its toll. So, so tired today. But at least the minor mountain of laundry is spinning away. Other than that, I have no plans. Just to enjoy my very clean and pretty homestead – however long that will last. 🙂 And the homestead is actually more of a shoebox, but it suits me just fine at the moment. I have some disturbing neighbors at the moment though, been very calm until now.
And also, a major criminals brother has his business just below me. It´s a gang and the leader, the brother to the one downstairs, has fled abroad and somehow managed to get the trial against him dropped. They have bombed a few places etc, and I know that the brother (downstairs) have been in prison for a huge drug bust, amphetamine, half a kilo..
Last summer I had a few fights with and over him, he´s a bit.. annoying.. But after learning this I will just keep quiet, I have no idea how involved he is or not, or what other stuff he does. I think he from time to time sells drugs in his shop, but I have no proof. He has some weird friends hanging around now and then, and I really don´t want to feel unsafe. So, battle-axe down. No need to tease an already angry snake. 😉

Listening to some music I heard on The Walking Dead. Sad to say his other songs weren´t as good. I´m picky though.

The headache has now moved over to the right side, just as last time I started on a new medication. It just took a bit longer, guess I didn´t let it bother me during this weekends climbing around my apartment like a mountain goat. ^^ I just hope that it will last. The energy that is, not the head ache. 😉 I will not be able to deal with my depression without some energy, that´s impossible. And make no mistake, the energy for a job is NOT here yet. I even dropped my plans to study this fall, I will not manage it, not yet. Maybe after new years. 🙂 I need to straighten myself out, I just have lost all self-esteem and aim in life.

Starting to miss webdesigning, but it´s no fun doing it without some plan of what I’m doing. I don’t feel like making a personal page at this stage either. But I miss the creativity! Sometimes I want to reach out to some photographers and ask if I can help them edit pics at home, that is also very creative and giving. Or you know, whoever who wants help with editing. Hold the 40+ pics with kids with snot in their faces though.. Been there, done that. “Could you please “clean him up” a bit in Photoshop? Thaaaannnnxxxxx! *pink bubbles and kisses*”
Ugh, FUN. Or brides who have a tiny wrinkle on their dress and they want a massive amount of pics of the dress.. It´s really better when people do not know what you can do in PS! Haha. Once I got a list as long as my arm with demands.. But that was over the top, so she had to pay for the extra work, it was things only she saw, something with her hair and whatever. Didn´t do anything for the pictures as they weren’t printed that big. But people want what they want and I did an awesome job. Just never, ever got any positive words from the boss. “/

Well, some ramblings… What are YOU up to today? Feel free to comment, I have a few followers now – say hi. 🙂


My lover is back and one of the few bad sides of me takes a hold of me.

Well, to say he is mine is to gravely exaggerate. He is in an open relationship and have been for many years. He and I are best friends and well.. lovers. It´s been off and on for different reasons, mostly me having trouble with controlling my feelings. I love him, no beating around the bush.

Two months ago his girlfriend said no to the open relationship, just like that. The reason for the open relationship is that they really havent been intimate, but they do love each other. However, sex is something you want, so they solved it that way.

So, she just sat him down, said “no more”. So he and I “broke up” and I completely stood at his side in this. He loves her very much. We talked a bit about it and he said that he wasn´t sure that she would actually be more intimate with him, that was one of his wishes. Since then I havent really asked, a while back he said that they are doing alright. We haven´t even talked about sex, almost not seeing each other for two months. I have been hurting because I also love him as a dear, dear friend. I am convinced that this is because it is to hard for him seeing me and not be able to at least touch me and cuddle.

Anyway, we talked a while yesterday via text. I was joking around a bit, actually trying to rekindle our friendship and stop having sticks up our asses – we need to be able to talk casual about sex, we both love it and have many thoughts we share. So I jokingly said, “either the guy who is honking his horn for 20 minutes is going to have a fist in his face, or if he is hot I´ll blow him.” (I also explained that I had my period and he KNOWS that I get almost silly sexual then. Best.Girlfriend.Ever.) I was really joking, first day of my period is a bit sensitive and this guy in the car was starting to unleash the very mad side of me. At the same time the hormones was having its usual party on the first day, and I was feeling energetic and was cleaning my house. I was also shedding some tears because of something related to him. So, I was basically in a mixer of feelings, emotions and what not.

To my surprise, he said that he would be over today. My friend that is, not the guy in the car. 😉 I said “really? Oh okay. ;-)” I thought he was a bit drunk and didn’t think about what that would mean. But, he was here today, sober and yearning for me, my body, my warmth and understanding. I was yearning for him, and voila – I broke on of my own rules; Never engage in cheating in any way.

Do you hate me now? “/

There are so many things in play here, not only sexual. If you have read previous posts you now know that I have a terrible depression, was recently diagnosed with ADHD and trying to cope with medication changes, being lonely, loving him and trying to be the best friend ever at the same time (no shadiness, I really thought that this was it. Done. Over. Forever.) and then not having an intimate moment in two months, then he arrives.. I stand by what I did, engaged in his cheating. I always stand by what I do, and I acknowledge it.

Let me say this to just really explain how deep I feel: He is the only man I could ever go through natural child-birth with. (I am deadly scared of it!!!) I know he would not leave my side for a moment and see too that I had the best of everything. Any other man I´ve been with, even the one I was engaged to, didn´t give me that sense of security. And they were okay guys, I loved them at the time.

This man has been in my heart for over a decade. I´ve been in his, but not more than she is. I don’t hold it against him, he needs to be with the one he loves, not the one who he have great sex with. He doesn’t feel the same way, and that is okay. This is what he says at least.. But there is something, whatever it may be.

So well. We´ll see. I will not let it go on for a long time, that is not fair to anyone. But if I am going to be really honest: She does not deserve him. I know enough to know that she is mostly afraid of being alone if he finds someone else, so she ties him up and then ignores him, just because she knows that he loves her immensely. That to me is horrible, and I have spoken my mind to him. He agrees actually and he said two months ago that he will not put up with her coldness and all the one-sided demands she throws his way. Not the first time she decides one something really big in their relationship…

I will not press this, I will still be the best friend he can have. He will manage this and if he needs me I will be there. My feelings are in control, I will not be sad if he stays with her forever. In time I will find someone too, but only because he is not a possibility.

Why are some people so damn STUPID?

I´ve been thinking about this before, but now I will share my mind.

Amanda Bynes, an American actress was not to long ago diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder after a long period of erratic behaviour that the whole world could see.
(Yes I am aware that she through her lawyer says she has not been diagnosed and it was all due to her using marijuana. I´m not convinced.)

She was put on medication and has since then blossomed, she goes to fashion school and looks healthy again.
I was happy for her.

Just a few days ago her mother takes Amanda off the medication and says that she never had any mental disorder.

She also says that Amanda hasn´t had a spell in a long time.


Seriously, these are not sugar pills, they are strong and are aiming to the patient not having episodes, or at least much, much smaller ones.
Are you really THAT stupid? Do you seriously think that Amanda’s doctor(s) would prescribe them if they weren’t 100% sure? It´s not a drive through where they take a look at you, pokes you with a stick and then send you on your merry way with a heavy mental disorder and a bag full of sugar-coated aspirin. Sure, in some cases the signs are very clear, but there still needs to be testing! The wrong medication can kill you, for God´s sake. Blood pressure, sickness in the family and so on needs to be looked into also.

And imagine a doctor who probably knows who Amanda is, or is real fast getting to know (hey paparazzi etc), that would put his career on the line by prescribing a cocktail of heavy, heavy meds? (Remember Michael Jackson, anyone? His doctor has a brilliant career now from what I hear!) And, giving these meds to someone with “only” a marijuana abuse would only put her in more danger.

So, congrats to Amanda´s mother for being totally up in the blue, or just plain stupid. Your daughter will very soon act out again and set someone elses driveway and dog on fire. Or worse. For her sake I hope that you at least didn’t go cold turkey over night.