Well, to say he is mine is to gravely exaggerate. He is in an open relationship and have been for many years. He and I are best friends and well.. lovers. It´s been off and on for different reasons, mostly me having trouble with controlling my feelings. I love him, no beating around the bush.
Two months ago his girlfriend said no to the open relationship, just like that. The reason for the open relationship is that they really havent been intimate, but they do love each other. However, sex is something you want, so they solved it that way.
So, she just sat him down, said “no more”. So he and I “broke up” and I completely stood at his side in this. He loves her very much. We talked a bit about it and he said that he wasn´t sure that she would actually be more intimate with him, that was one of his wishes. Since then I havent really asked, a while back he said that they are doing alright. We haven´t even talked about sex, almost not seeing each other for two months. I have been hurting because I also love him as a dear, dear friend. I am convinced that this is because it is to hard for him seeing me and not be able to at least touch me and cuddle.
Anyway, we talked a while yesterday via text. I was joking around a bit, actually trying to rekindle our friendship and stop having sticks up our asses – we need to be able to talk casual about sex, we both love it and have many thoughts we share. So I jokingly said, “either the guy who is honking his horn for 20 minutes is going to have a fist in his face, or if he is hot I´ll blow him.” (I also explained that I had my period and he KNOWS that I get almost silly sexual then. Best.Girlfriend.Ever.) I was really joking, first day of my period is a bit sensitive and this guy in the car was starting to unleash the very mad side of me. At the same time the hormones was having its usual party on the first day, and I was feeling energetic and was cleaning my house. I was also shedding some tears because of something related to him. So, I was basically in a mixer of feelings, emotions and what not.
To my surprise, he said that he would be over today. My friend that is, not the guy in the car. ;-) I said “really? Oh okay. ;-)” I thought he was a bit drunk and didn’t think about what that would mean. But, he was here today, sober and yearning for me, my body, my warmth and understanding. I was yearning for him, and voila – I broke on of my own rules; Never engage in cheating in any way.
Do you hate me now? “/
There are so many things in play here, not only sexual. If you have read previous posts you now know that I have a terrible depression, was recently diagnosed with ADHD and trying to cope with medication changes, being lonely, loving him and trying to be the best friend ever at the same time (no shadiness, I really thought that this was it. Done. Over. Forever.) and then not having an intimate moment in two months, then he arrives.. I stand by what I did, engaged in his cheating. I always stand by what I do, and I acknowledge it.
Let me say this to just really explain how deep I feel: He is the only man I could ever go through natural child-birth with. (I am deadly scared of it!!!) I know he would not leave my side for a moment and see too that I had the best of everything. Any other man I´ve been with, even the one I was engaged to, didn´t give me that sense of security. And they were okay guys, I loved them at the time.
This man has been in my heart for over a decade. I´ve been in his, but not more than she is. I don’t hold it against him, he needs to be with the one he loves, not the one who he have great sex with. He doesn’t feel the same way, and that is okay. This is what he says at least.. But there is something, whatever it may be.
So well. We´ll see. I will not let it go on for a long time, that is not fair to anyone. But if I am going to be really honest: She does not deserve him. I know enough to know that she is mostly afraid of being alone if he finds someone else, so she ties him up and then ignores him, just because she knows that he loves her immensely. That to me is horrible, and I have spoken my mind to him. He agrees actually and he said two months ago that he will not put up with her coldness and all the one-sided demands she throws his way. Not the first time she decides one something really big in their relationship…
I will not press this, I will still be the best friend he can have. He will manage this and if he needs me I will be there. My feelings are in control, I will not be sad if he stays with her forever. In time I will find someone too, but only because he is not a possibility.